Week 4: Quarterly Report
Yeah yeah it’s a 17 week season but all but two teams are 1/4th into it so close enough. Last year the winning fantasy team had 5 losses and the second place team had 6 losses so nobody’s out of this yet!
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| Rick Osentoski-USA TODAY Sports |
Pictured: an actually successful rushing touchdown by Matthew Stafford.
Worst to first check-in
CLEVELAND MOTHERFUCKING BROWNS
Story of the century of the month. First of all, we don’t get super-crazy blockbuster trades every year. Wasn’t that awesome? Only could be better if it was a player-for-player trade. Then we wouldn’t have the whole valuation of a draft pick conversation after we’ve all barked out our feelings about TRich. Seemed like Indy got the better end of the deal yet somehow the Browns have torn off two wins immediately after that whilst benching their starting QB! And shit, the last win was against the team most likely to win the division. Can you imagine the Browns in a better position at week four than tied for the lead with a win against the Bengals, the Ravens in complete meltdown mode, and the Steelers 0 - 4? And Jordan Cameron is for god damn reals. It took four weeks to go from unknown to elite top-tier S-class AAA premium grade tight end. Just think, next year you could be drafting the next Gronk in the 13th round… on a team like the Browns. Don’t skimp on your late round lottery tickets, ‘cause shit just got real for the Poops.
PHILADELPHIA EAGLES
Welp. This could have gone better. Somehow, 1-3 is only one game out of first place, but still the last few games have you wondering if there’s really anything going on here. Turns out, if your defense is terrible it might not be the best idea to have your offense fly off the handle to minimize the amount of rest your god-awful secondary gets to enjoy before their next long, painful shreddening. I do have an alternate theory. Who’s in first place? The Cowboys. Two wins against the New York “Sigh and Shake My Head In Disappointment” Giants and the equal parts boring and terrible Rams. Yeah, real proud of that win against the Rams. Meanwhile, the Eagles have lost three straight, all to the AFC-W...
Rivers in the god damned number 3 fantasy QB. Number 3. As in better than whatever worthless fuck you drafted for value in the middle or late rounds. Rivers. Ringless Rivers. I saw this awkward person-man get booed 12 minutes into a home game at Qualcomm last year by a blackout-sized crowd while they got slapped around by the already-playoff-eliminated Panthers. That guy. The Chargers are a couple plays from being 4-0. The other two teams are 4-0. The AFC-W is legit just like how the NFC-W went from total garbage to really for reals a couple years ago. Which brings us to…
CHIEFS, THE
Not much to say other than this is exactly how it was supposed to go. As the prophecy foretold. Except they won a few games I didn’t expect to contribute to the 9 or 10 they’ll need for a wild card. On the other hand, the upcoming Chargers’ games are suddenly contested. Maybe it all works out. Maybe they’ll take a game off of Denver! I mean, that’s kinda a really stupid thing to say. But who the fuck knows in a world where the Chiefs start out at a somewhat convincing 4-0 while their first overall draft pick has been largely disappointing. If you didn’t watch the link I posted about Eric Berry being scared of a horse you really should. Feels great to see NFL Films just having fun out there, and they do it so well.
Top Players
THIS ONE'S FOR COACH (PURSE)
QB
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Drew Brees, NO QB
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32.7
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Back to back 30 point weeks. A lot of people had him over Rodgers this year, so far so good! (Except for that whole Petyon Manning thing.) And shame on Miami for making us think they were legit good this year. Sprooooles!
BOSTIC STICKS
RB
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Adrian Peterson, Min RB
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26
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The Europeans got to see AP be AP AD. And he takes over as the #1 fantasy back so far, which makes the world seem just.
TEAM KAPLAN
WR
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Victor Cruz, NYG WR
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22.4
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Cruz gonna Cruz. Also it’s fun to see not only Victor but also every player on the opposing team salsa dance after every big play. Pretty amazing getting 22.4 fantasy points while your actual team only scores 7. Overall #1 fantasy receiver! Take that Calvin Johnson!
Beating Cruz this week was bench-star Torrey Smith. But Raven’s offense, you know, kinda hard to feel good about them. Somehow Torrey Smith getting more attention from defenses makes him seem only more impressive. Like reverse-Julio syndrome.
SOPO MURDERERS
TE
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Tony Gonzalez, Atl TE
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26.9
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He’s aliiiiiive!! Putting up a monster week after a month of single-digits. Still couldn’t beat Tom Brady and throng of flailing children. While QBs like Matt Ryan and Peyton Manning have weapons, Tom Brady is basically MacGyver, winning with a miscellaneous assortment of trinkets in a manner both spectacular and also kinda completely straightforward and a little boring. But Tony G got to close out Hispanic Heritage month with a bang! (Next comes the pink shoes!)
TEAM WESTERHAUS
D/ST
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Titans D/ST D/ST
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23
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Titans D for real! Streaming against the Jets also for real! Both at the same time wins the week. I feel bad for not being able to name a single Titans defender, but to my credit there’s comically little coverage of this team in the media other than Chris Johnson not performing in fantasy.
THIS ONE'S FOR COACH (PURSE)
K
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Stephen Gostkowski, NE K
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14
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Number 2 overall! David Akers actually won this week. What a ride he’s been on. I’d root for him more but we could have had that youtube guy if it wasn’t for him! Now we gotta wait for the Mason Crosby’s next meltdown.
Weekly Prize(s)
Most Bench Points
Winner: Romocop to the Rescue
Bench Points: 58.6! Three 0’s and still beats the rest of us!
Most Catches by a TE
Winner: SoPo Murderers
Catches: Tony G, 12! Edged out Antonio Gates and Jordan Cameron with 10.
Next Week: Longest field goal by a kicker and most kick/punt return yards by a DST!
Next Week: Longest field goal by a kicker and most kick/punt return yards by a DST!
Internet GIF of the Week
This man is going to lose to the browns tomorrow. It's like he can feel it already.
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