Fantasy Football Week Six

Week 6:  One Minute Thirteen Seconds

Rob Ryan has the best hair in football, and he got to within one minute and thirteen seconds of doing what his brother failed to do in that sloppy, rainy, Thursday game a few weeks ago.

It will be okay, Rob, just hope you’re not going to Seattle for the NFCCG and you should be fine the rest of the way.  One less undefeated team…  Oh hey, if the Chiefs go undefeated up until their bye in week 10, we might get a undefeated face off with them and Denver in week 11!  And before you say ‘they can’t keep this up with Captain Tiny Hands McCheckdown at the helm' I’d remind you their remaining matches are: vHou vCle @Buf.  Yup.  And Houston is playing a guy you've never heard of at QB this week (not even Yates!).  If they head into the bye 9-0 I will deem the week 10 post “Chiefs Chat” and dedicate most of the post to a team that is not even playing that week.  Be warned!

In other news, Brandon Jacobs is back!  To ultimately no effect other than vulturing fantasy points away from Eli.  Did you feel it on Thursday, towards the end?  It was Eli time!  Didn't quite work out, but if that last pass was just a few inches lower and the universe would have resembled something just and balanced instead of crcontinuing hilarity.

And check out this awesome chart! I couldn't find the author but someone somewhere did something awesome.

Top Players

GIANT PROBLEM

QB

Matthew Stafford, Det QB

@Cle

W 31-17

24.5

Tenth quarterback out of the draft has been solid so far this year!  Only the fourth best this week though behind a benched Cam Newton and waiver legends Nick Foles and Andy Dalton.  I look forward to Nick Foles being unironically started in the bye-week gauntlet.  

TEAM BLANCHARD

RB

Knowshon Moreno, Den RB

Jac

W 35-19

28.4

Get comfortable.  The one week Peyton puts up less than 20 points means Knowshon delivers three touchdowns to Eric, our overall point leader.  And this was considered an underwhelming win against JAX.  Knowshon is now the fourth ranked RB!  

GIANT PROBLEM

WR

Vincent Jackson, TB WR

Phi

L 20-31

23.4

Hey remember how we’re supposed to shy away from newly starting quarterbacks?  This and the Brian Hoyer Experience beg to differ!  I expect DeAndre Hopkins to get 30 points this week with Houston Quarterback #3 (I refuse to look up his name).

TEAM BLANCHARD

TE

Vernon Davis, SF TE  P

Ari

W 32-20

30

Who cares about a WR shortage when you have Vernon Davis!  Also if you haven’t noticed all four of the top players so far have been included in the Giant Problem vs Team Blanchard matchup!

CHERRY LOZENGES

D/ST

Chiefs D/ST D/ST

Oak

W 24-7

25

Chiefs DST is now averaging 19 points a game.  And they’re gearing up for Pix-Six Factory The Texans.  They had 10 sacks against the Raiders, too.  I can’t wait for Chiefs Chat.

THIS ONE'S FOR COACH (PURSE)

K

Stephen Gostkowski, NE K

NO

W 30-27

14

Yeah yeah this guy did some stuff that didn't consist of a game winning drive in one minute and thirteen seconds, whatever.  Number 2 overall kicker, a mere five points behind the Denver’s extra point machine.

Weekly Prizes

Most Points in a Losing Effort

Winner: Giant Problem, 118.7 points!

Top QB + WR versus top RB+TE and losing by half a point!  Hard to ask for a better week to hand out this prize!

Next Week:  QB with most rushing yards.  And you have to had started him, too!

Internet GIF of the Week

This guy had 8 catches for 5 touchdowns this year! Goal Line Vulture includes more positions than just running back I suppose!

Fantasy Football Week Five

Week 5:  Tony Romo’s Career In One Game

TONY GUTIERREZ/AP

I’m not sure when the last time losing a game and falling below 500 ever solidified a team for a lock to win their division, but it’s hard to argue the Cowboy’s aren't the clear favorites in the NFC-East now. They came closer to beating the Broncos than what might be anyone else this whole season.  To add insult to injury, he was benched this week in our league by a team literally named after him.

We also just witnessed the last of the wheels fly off the Falcon’s wagon.  The NFC is really taking a back seat this year.  Poor Tony G would have been better of spending his last year back on the Chiefs.

And also, Terrelle Pryor and Geno Smith: Legit Situational Bye-Week Quarterbacks.

Top Players

TEAM BLANCHARD

QB

Peyton Manning, Den QB

@Dal

W 51-48

35.8

Well, we all know how this one turned out.  Tony Romo put up 40.9 points on Taylor’s bench and he ended up eeking out a win by a few hundredths of a point.  But to really put a focus on how out of his mind Peyton is playing fantasy football, he’s averaging 31.2 points a game.  Second place is Brees with 23.5 points.  So what you’re happy to get out of your tight end is how much Peyton gets on average over the second best QB.  If we redrafted today, I think there’s a legit argument for QB in the first round once again.  Also he’s good for rushing touchdowns, don’t forget!

TEAM BLANCHARD

RB

Knowshon Moreno, Den RB

@Dal

W 51-48

21

The top spot again went to Taylor’s bench in the form of Fred “Older and Slower and Somehow Much Better than CJ Spiller” Jackson.  We’ll see if FJax finally earned his starting spot on Taylor’s team.  Second place was frustrating timeshare participant Pierre Thomas, also on Eric’s bench (benefiting from Ingram being out).  And then Knowshon.  Timeshares be damned.  Eric is the overall point leader five weeks in!  And time is ticking for David Wilson to make up for his end of one trade we’ve had this season.  Don’t let that scare everyone away, some trades should benefit both teams!  Everyone go to the trading block and start clicking on things!

CHERRY LOZENGES

WR

Dez Bryant, Dal WR

Den

L 48-51

24.1

Alshon Jeffery and TY Hilton actually lead in WR’s from the waivers and bench, respectively.  So there is value out there on the wire!  Dez takes the #1 fantasy receiver spot now, averaging 15.3 points a game.  Is your 3rd round pick averaging 15.3 points a game?  Hell, is your second round pick?  Maybe drafting WRs a bit earlier isn’t as bananas as it had once seemed.

ROMOCOP TO THE RESCUE

TE

Julius Thomas, Den TE

@Dal

W 51-48

24.2

Orange Julius now the second overall TE.  Has everyone figured out which Denver Thomas is which at a glance?  Numbers 80 and 88.  

SOPO MURDERERS

D/ST

49ers D/ST D/ST

Hou

W 34-3

22

So the record four pick sixes in a row is ongoing.  Who’s feeling like streaming a defense against Shaub? Rams are on waiver right now!  I’m also fascinated to see the 49ers get better on defense as they continue to lose pieces. Speaking of DSTs, I noticed if you take the top twenty scoring fantasy players of all positions (by average pts/week to neglect byes), you'll find 15 QBs, 3 RB, 1 TE, 0 WR, and 1 DST. The Chiefs are averaging 17.8 points a game, more than the best wide receiver, fourth best runningback and second best tight end. The Seahawks are in second with 12.6.

SOPO MURDERERS

K

Matt Prater, Den K  P

@Dal

W 51-48

18

Number 1 overall kicker.  Everyone please take a second to click on Prater’s player card on the espn website and look at the XP column.  Jesus god damned Christ.  His field goals are just gravy.  And the number two overall kicker?  You guessed it: Mason Crosby.  He put up 20 points this week.  Him and Akers are starting strong after a sad finish to last year.  Perhaps I should stop making fun of him.  But I really really want to see Harvard Youtubeman.

Weekly Prizes

Longest Field Goal

Winner: Team Westerhaus

Field Goal: 53 yards by David Akers!  How’s that for a bye-week kicker?

Most Return Yards by a DST

Winner: Team Kaplan

Return Yards: 178 by the Ravens!

Next Week:  Most points in a losing effort.  

Part of me hopes this doesn’t go to someone with 110 points as intended but rather all five games are blowouts and someone gets this for a 75 point showing thanks to freak injuries and brutal bye weeks.

Internet GIF of the Week

This is why we need the All-22 footage! Network cameras don't even track the guy with the damn ball! I'd also like to see an annotated gif pointing out precisely when each defender realizes Old Man Peyton just naked bootlegged the shit out of them. Indicated by those anime head-teardrop thingies.

Fantasy Football Week Four

Week 4:  Quarterly Report

Yeah yeah it’s a 17 week season but all but two teams are 1/4th into it so close enough.  Last year the winning fantasy team had 5 losses and the second place team had 6 losses so nobody’s out of this yet!

Rick Osentoski-USA TODAY Sports

Pictured: an actually successful rushing touchdown by Matthew Stafford.

Worst to first check-in

CLEVELAND MOTHERFUCKING BROWNS

Story of the century of the month.  First of all, we don’t get super-crazy blockbuster trades every year.  Wasn’t that awesome?  Only could be better if it was a player-for-player trade.  Then we wouldn’t have the whole valuation of a draft pick conversation after we’ve all barked out our feelings about TRich.  Seemed like Indy got the better end of the deal yet somehow the Browns have torn off two wins immediately after that whilst benching their starting QB!  And shit, the last win was against the team most likely to win the division.  Can you imagine the Browns in a better position at week four than tied for the lead with a win against the Bengals, the Ravens in complete meltdown mode, and the Steelers 0 - 4?  And Jordan Cameron is for god damn reals.  It took four weeks to go from unknown to elite top-tier S-class AAA premium grade tight end.  Just think, next year you could be drafting the next Gronk in the 13th round… on a team like the Browns.  Don’t skimp on your late round lottery tickets, ‘cause shit just got real for the Poops.

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES

Welp.  This could have gone better.  Somehow, 1-3 is only one game out of first place, but still the last few games have you wondering if there’s really anything going on here.  Turns out, if your defense is terrible it might not be the best idea to have your offense fly off the handle to minimize the amount of rest your god-awful secondary gets to enjoy before their next long, painful shreddening.  I do have an alternate theory.  Who’s in first place?  The Cowboys.  Two wins against the New York “Sigh and Shake My Head In Disappointment” Giants and the equal parts boring and terrible Rams.  Yeah, real proud of that win against the Rams.  Meanwhile, the Eagles have lost three straight, all to the AFC-W...

Rivers in the god damned number 3 fantasy QB.  Number 3.  As in better than whatever worthless fuck you drafted for value in the middle or late rounds.  Rivers.  Ringless Rivers.  I saw this awkward person-man get booed 12 minutes into a home game at Qualcomm last year by a blackout-sized crowd while they got slapped around by the already-playoff-eliminated Panthers.  That guy.  The Chargers are a couple plays from being 4-0.  The other two teams are 4-0.  The AFC-W is legit just like how the NFC-W went from total garbage to really for reals a couple years ago.  Which brings us to…

CHIEFS, THE

Not much to say other than this is exactly how it was supposed to go.  As the prophecy foretold.  Except they won a few games I didn’t expect to contribute to the 9 or 10 they’ll need for a wild card.  On the other hand, the upcoming Chargers’ games are suddenly contested.  Maybe it all works out.  Maybe they’ll take a game off of Denver!  I mean, that’s kinda a really stupid thing to say.  But who the fuck knows in a world where the Chiefs start out at a somewhat convincing 4-0 while their first overall draft pick has been largely disappointing.  If you didn’t watch the link I posted about Eric Berry being scared of a horse you really should.  Feels great to see NFL Films just having fun out there, and they do it so well.  

http://www.nfl.com/videos/nfl-films-presents/0ap2000000250293/NFL-Films-Presents-Horsin-around-with-Eric-Berry

Top Players

THIS ONE'S FOR COACH (PURSE)

QB

Drew Brees, NO QB

Mia

W 38-17

32.7

Back to back 30 point weeks.  A lot of people had him over Rodgers this year, so far so good!  (Except for that whole Petyon Manning thing.)  And shame on Miami for making us think they were legit good this year.  Sprooooles!

BOSTIC STICKS

RB

Adrian Peterson, Min RB

Pit

W 34-27

26

The Europeans got to see AP be AP AD.  And he takes over as the #1 fantasy back so far, which makes the world seem just.  

TEAM KAPLAN

WR

Victor Cruz, NYG WR

@KC

L 7-31

22.4

Cruz gonna Cruz.  Also it’s fun to see not only Victor but also every player on the opposing team salsa dance after every big play.  Pretty amazing getting 22.4 fantasy points while your actual team only scores 7.  Overall #1 fantasy receiver!  Take that Calvin Johnson!

Beating Cruz this week was bench-star Torrey Smith.  But Raven’s offense, you know, kinda hard to feel good about them.  Somehow Torrey Smith getting more attention from defenses makes him seem only more impressive.  Like reverse-Julio syndrome.  

SOPO MURDERERS

TE

Tony Gonzalez, Atl TE

NE

L 23-30

26.9

He’s aliiiiiive!! Putting up a monster week after a month of single-digits.  Still couldn’t beat Tom Brady and throng of flailing children.  While QBs like Matt Ryan and Peyton Manning have weapons, Tom Brady is basically MacGyver, winning with a miscellaneous assortment of trinkets in a manner both spectacular and also kinda completely straightforward and a little boring.  But Tony G got to close out Hispanic Heritage month with a bang!  (Next comes the pink shoes!)

TEAM WESTERHAUS

D/ST

Titans D/ST D/ST

NYJ

W 38-13

23

Titans D for real!  Streaming against the Jets also for real!  Both at the same time wins the week.  I feel bad for not being able to name a single Titans defender, but to my credit there’s comically little coverage of this team in the media other than Chris Johnson not performing in fantasy.

THIS ONE'S FOR COACH (PURSE)

K

Stephen Gostkowski, NE K

@Atl

W 30-23

14

Number 2 overall!  David Akers actually won this week.  What a ride he’s been on.  I’d root for him more but we could have had that youtube guy if it wasn’t for him!  Now we gotta wait for the  Mason Crosby’s next meltdown.

Weekly Prize(s)

Most Bench Points

Winner: Romocop to the Rescue

Bench Points: 58.6!  Three 0’s and still beats the rest of us!

Most Catches by a TE

Winner: SoPo Murderers

Catches: Tony G, 12!  Edged out Antonio Gates and Jordan Cameron with 10.


Next Week: Longest field goal by a kicker and most kick/punt return yards by a DST!

Internet GIF of the Week

This man is going to lose to the browns tomorrow. It's like he can feel it already.