Fantasy Football Week Zero!
Welcome back to football, the only sport that matters! If you’re like me you must have already mentally constructed three ways your team will go undefeated and six ways it will burn horribly and you’ll be forced to play Brent Celek on week 6. I tend to think of Brent Celek less as a football player and tangible human being and more of a state of mind and sinking feeling you get when you’re hyping yourself up for a solid showing from Nate Washington. Or you’re thinking “Hey, if my kicker just nails two more 50 yarders I could still pull this thing out!” That’s Brent Celek. Right there. When you’ve cornered yourself through a series of blunders and are left to try as hard as you can to be optimistic about what an outside observer would easily classify as complete and utter failure.
“But... the Rams offense is looking better this year!”
Stop it. You’re Brent Celek-ing all over the fucking place. We just bought this rug.
My team week zero:
My team week six:
My team week seventeen:
Storylines!
Hey, we had a real offseason this offseason! And it wasn't completely dominated by Dolphins news. Though those new uniforms are fantastic… at least the all white ones. The dolphin did lose his hat though. Which is sad. And dangerous. =/ Oh well, Kaep likes it.
Injuries: Worse than ever?
Every year is the worst year for injuries. Or every year is equally bad. Or football is so sparse on data points everyone has the right to extrapolate to their heart’s content. Can we all agree the Seahawks + Percey Harvin would have been simply too good? Or that after the Niners stumbled ass-backwards into Kaep it was just a little too convenient for them to have a decent set of receivers for the first time in years? Or that the addition of a competent secondary would have meant the Giants no longer need Eli Time? Some phenomena in nature simply must exist, and as such when the wave-form collapses there will always be Eli Time. One way or another.
Fantasy-wise, we’re looking at a few possible players entering late in the year, but perhaps too late to consider at the draft. Crabtree, Harvin… uh… Jonathan Stewert? Whatever. The big question mark happened right here:
53
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Rob Gronkowski, NE TE
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Round 6, 53 overall. Definitely not starting the season, but likely starting before week 6 because he forewent PUP and got on the active roster. He went one spot after old man Tony G and two before old man Jason Witten. Is Gronk gonna hit the ground running? Or will he not ramp up until the end of the season? Or is the end of the season exactly when you need him? Or will Aaron Hernandez murder him before it’s too late??
Remember last year when injury concerns sank AP and Peyton Manning’s draft pick a round or two lower than their historical performances would have pegged them? How did that work out for all of us?
OH, RIGHT.
And look at Michael's team name... son of a bitch.
Worst to First?
Doesn’t this happen every year? Some team last in their division wins their division? Or some team last in their division makes it to the playoffs? Or both? I haven’t run the numbers but I’m pretty sure this is exactly why basketball fucking sucks.
So, what’s everyones bet for a last place team in the playoffs?
Option 1: Philadelphia Eagles
Chip Kelly Up-Tempo Option Soundtrack Offense is going to take the NFL by storm! If you listen very carefully you can hear Emilio Estevez chanting “quack… quack… Quack. Quack. QUACK! QUACK!”
That fucking duck.
Either a big glass of cold water is gonna get splashed in the faces of every nerdy college football analysts who dreams of the day when college strategic innovation meets NFL talent and parity OR Chip’s gonna own so hard that next year Jacksonville is gonna clinch a first-round bye exclusively running the Single Wing. Shit… remember when it used to be all about the fun-slinging? I sure do.
While we’re here, what the hell is happening in the NFC-E this year? You could show me any ordering of the division rankings 1 2 3 and 4 and I’d shrug and say “yeah, that could totally happen!” And, in borderline self-parody scheduling, we’re treated to all four NFC-E teams on both Sunday Night and Monday Night football week one! I’m soooo excited for Overreaction Monday (and Tuesday, in this case). Tony Romo is either the greatest Cowboys QB ever (as shown by a series of convincing advanced metrics) or he’s a virus sent from another timeline to rob Jerry Jones of the rings he needs to complete his evil clockwork engine of doom.
Option 2: Cleveland Browns
Oh you think you’re so cool predicting the Browns to take it this year. Why don’t you take your Seattle Supersonics jersey and your PBR and go over there and tell the kids playing extreme ball-and-cup game all about it you fucking hipster. But seriously, I dare you to watch this entire mini documentary and not root for the Browns.
And thanks to a ‘lights out’ (har har) performance by Joe Flacco, we’re up to two rings now that Art Modell has robbed from the city of Cleveland. And shit, that’s not even counting LeBron!*
*(basketball fucking sucks)
The Browns looked good in preseason. The Ravens lost a ton of players in the offseason. The Steelers are a mess. The Bengals have been over-performing Andy Dalton the last few years. Maybe. Just maybe...
Option 3: Alex Smith
Yes, this is happening. Notable playoff-winning quarterback Alex Smith is headed to Kansas City. Before you hand-wave this as Cody projecting his 2012 Madden campaign into real-life, let me lay down some cold, hard facts:
True Statement: Aaron Rodgers, Peyton Manning, Alex Smith, Everyone Else. That right there is what happens if you sort quarterbacks by passer rating in 2012.
True Statement: Kansas City had 5 players on the NFL top 100 players list, a list created exclusively by nfl player votes. With perfect parity every team should have 100/32=3.125 players on this list, which by my count makes the Chiefs 60% better than the average team. That’s just math. Is five a lot? Well, its as many as the entire rest of the AFC-W combined. Just sayin’.
True Sentence Fragment: Schedule. The Chiefs play the AFC-S (cha-ching!) and NFC-E (here be dargons), and their AFC ranking matchups are the Browns and the Bills. I also need to say aloud the fact they play the Chargers and Raiders, twice. Now how crazy is it that they reach a wildcard-- in the AFC? Who’s gonna take it from them? Who?? Who’s the second best team in the east, the Dolphins? Second best in the south, the Colts? Second best in the north, the Bengals? Okay the Bengals will probably be fine. But it can’t be much of a stretch to think the Chiefs could edge out someone. I accept your apology.
Hard-Hitting Draft Analysis
Wasn’t that crazy? I, for one, love the google hangout and think we should mandate everyone take part next year (with headphones to prevent echo!).
What’s usually interesting is how QBs shook out. Who knows a solid, safe bet when they see one? Who is playing chicken so hard their game theory professor is shouting “Just take Tony Romo already Jesus Christ!!"? Here’s our QB draft picks this season:
Round 1: Nobody. Remember last year when Matthew Stafford could have been the 10th overall pick and everyone woulda gone “ehh yeah that makes sense”?? Well, he was the 10th overall pick. And it did make sense. What happened?
Round 2: Aaron Rodgers 2.2 (12th), Peyton Manning 2.8 (18th). Aaron Rodgers has no o-line. Aaron Rodgers needs no o-line. And Peyton Manning is taking the Adrian Peterson train to “Yeah,-you’d-better-fucking-respect-me-ville”.
Round 3: Drew Brees 3.5 (25th), Tom Brady 3.10 (30th). Last year these guys went 5th and 9th overall, respectively. Tom Brady supposedly has no targets this year and will suffer in fantasy as a result. You know, just like how Drew Brees suffered without staple Saints WR Robert Meachem. Who, as we just witnessed, flailed his way into a 6.875 million dollar dead money dumpster fire in San Diego this year. Can you even tell me what round the first Green Bay wide receiver went in this year’s draft? Yeah. Tom Brady’s gonna be fine.
Round 4: Cam Newton 4.32 (32nd), Colin Kaepernick 4.9 (39th). Exciting times we live in, eh? Someone’s betting on a sophomore-slump rebound; someone else is betting on sophomore-slump avoidance. Huge upsides all around!
Round 5: Matt Ryan 5.4 (44th), RG3 5.7 (47th). A vanilla, white bread, light-beer-based person-man and a shambling, chaotic ball-lightning starlet. So different, yet, somehow just made for the 5th round. Is Matt Ryan too safe? Is RG3 only capable of starting with perfect knowledge of the Washington game-time-decision-making process? Will Kirk Cousins be traded to the Jets for All The Picks?
Round 6: Nobody. Three teams are holding out. Three teams just took skill positions while the rest of us coddled our security blankets. Some of our security blankets had less than two working knees as of preseason. As was the case with mine at least…
Round 7: Russell Wilson 7.1 (61st), Matthew Stafford 7.6 (66th). Russell Wilson went to the god damned pro bowl. Think of that in contrast to how we were chatting about his preseason situation during last year’s draft! Go Badgers. Also Matthew Stafford enabled Calvin Johnson to break the Madden Curse last year. And this year it’s Barry Sanders. So, uh, what happens to Barry Sanders this year? Any redemption for his Lions would have to involve some serious Terminator-style time travel aforementioned Tony Romoian shit.
Round 8: Nobody. One remains.
Round 9: Nobody.
Round 10: Tony Romo 10.3 (93rd). What is happening in the NFC-E this year? How soon will Lance Dunbar get thrown to the wolves? How many fingers will Dez Bryant be forced to play without? What’s Jason Witten’s attitude towards the kids on his lawn? Last year’s team that drafted Tony Romo got second to last place. This year he came with an absolutely “free” Steve Smith and Le’Von Bell. Was it worth it? We shall see. We. Shall. See.
Draft Grades: Go check out what ESPN thinks of us via the FFLToolkit link. I should check mine out…
Basketball??? FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
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