Week 1: Everybody Panic!
Chip Kelly is a genius. Alex Smith is a super-genius. Jets won. Ravens officially suck. Giants finally lost in the Jerry-Dome. Colin Kaepernick transferred power from legs to arms. Chargers repeated their only memorable performance from last year. Football is back!
But we're not playing football, we're playing fantasy football! And we just got our first data point on a graph that starts with drafty unease and ends in battered despair.
There’s no Tight Ends this year! Remember? Shit! What are we gonna do??? Should we draft Jimmy Graham in the late first round? Should we get a broken Gronk in the 3rd round? Who is everyone else gonna be left with? We can’t possibly play with a true flex spot! If someone puts two top flight TEs in their lineup the rest of the league will be starved!! No! Not this year!
Tight End Performance in Week 1
24.1
23.0
21.8
19.0
18.7
16.8
13.9
12.6
11.6 ← Brent Celek
11.6
10.9
10.5 ← Consensus top TE Jimmy Graham putting up a solid game.
Turns out I don’t know anything about anything. Just like every year. I guess I'd better just get this out of the way:
Top Team Players
TEAM BLANCHARD
QB
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Peyton Manning, Den QB
|
46.3
|
Speaking of Peyton Manning, I think my MATLAB simulation just completed! Lets look at the analysis of the Thursday Night game:
I might have had my loop counters off by one… oh well better luck next week.
This is Eric’s first year! He drafts Peyton Manning in the second round, plays him in the first game, watches him post an unbreakable season high 46.3 points, and still loses his first match because his feature back on a good offense posts negative 2 points. Welcome to fantasy football!
BOSTIC STICKS
RB
|
Adrian Peterson, Min RB
|
29.1
|
He broke off a huge TD run on the first play like he was still running since the end of last season. Andy gets to look forward to watching his best player run all over his home team (and fantasy defense) in person next Sunday! I’m sure Ponder will throw enough picks to make it fun for everyone. They still have Joe Webb, right?
TEAM KAPLAN
WR
|
Victor Cruz, NYG WR
|
29.8
|
The newly patented Both Giants’ Receivers strategy paid off this week for Team Kaplan! I’m sure Dallas fan’s frustration of seeing Cruz dance on the Jerry-tron was quickly swept away by yet more turnovers.
TEAM BLANCHARD
TE
|
Vernon Davis, SF TE
|
21.8
|
Eric got to witness Vernon and Kap’s newfound chemistry first-hand this past Sunday as they managed to eek out a win against a clearly superior team.
GIANT PROBLEM
D/ST
|
Seahawks D/ST D/ST
|
9
|
ROMOCOP TO THE RESCUE
D/ST
|
Buccaneers D/ST D/ST
|
9
|
Nine points? Yep. Top 8 defenses: all undrafted. Not listed is also 9-point Denver defense that sat on Cody’s bench while he rushed off to sign noted defensive juggernaut The Colts.
TEAM BLANCHARD
K
|
Dan Bailey, Dal K
|
13
|
The top kicker this week was undrafted Rams kicker Greg “Legatron” Zuerlein. Did we all sign off before the last round of the draft just after reversing our autodraft preferences? How did we miss this? Maybe while we were all playing 11 dimensional chess it turned out the best kicker was the best kicker. Crazy times we live in.
Top Bench Players
JUST HAVIN' FUN OUT THERE
Anquan Boldin stood out as the only viable WR on the 49ers much like how Anquan Boldin stood out as the only viable WR on my fantasy team.
Jerk Who Played Instead: Mike Wallace, 1.5 points. Pouted like a babby to the media minutes after his team won their week 1 game.
TEAM HANKINS
Bench
|
Jared Cook, StL TE
|
24.1
|
It was easy for Jared Cook to have a monster game after leaving the Titans and joining the offensive powerhouse St. Louis Rams.
Jerk Who Played Instead: Antonio Gates, 4.9 points. He forgot that there’s a second half in American Football Sport, as the Chargers usually do.
SOPO MURDERERS
Bench
|
Joique Bell, Det RB
|
21.2
|
After gaining 95 yards Joique Bell was officially uninvited to the next Goal-line Vultures BBQ. (It’s a reverse pot-luck.)
Jerk Who Played Instead: Montee Ball, 2.4 points. Denver depth chart accidentally sorted by age.
TEAM BLANCHARD
Bench
|
Eli Manning, NYG QB
|
28.8
|
Eli produced more fantasy points than his brother this week!
Eli 28.8 + Cowboys D 23 = 51.8
Peyton 46.3 + Ravens D -5 = 41.3
His valiant leadership also attracted wayward running backs to Giants practice this Tuesday.
Jerk Who Played Instead: Peyton Manning, 46.3 points.
Did you know Peyton Manning tied the record for most passing touchdowns in one game? One day he hopes to earn a contract tied with fellow single super bowl MVP and equal human being Joe Flacco.
Draft Grade Grades
Hey ESPN, here’s my grades for you!
A+ rated team defeated by D rated team.
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A rated team defeated by F rated team
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Other stuff.
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You suck. (So does basketball.)
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Internet GIF of the Week
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