Week 2: Call Lightning; Summon Black Unicorn
Storm, Earth, and Fire! Two lightning delays. The winner of Thursday night’s game was the elements. And Jay Cutler’s fourth quarter magic does it again! Week two is over and we finally have enough data points to officially start analyzing trends! I asked Wolfram Alpha to predict the rest of the fantasy season, let's check out the results:
Well there you have it! Not pictured is Phillip Rivers putting up solid weekly contributions along the imaginary axis.
NFC-East and Worst to First Update
Tamba Hali brings us a breaking news report on the state of the NFC-East in this in-depth dick punch.
Watch for walruses nationwide to converge in Philadelphia tomorrow as their leader, Andy Reid, takes the Chiefs one step closer to their inspirational franchise victory that is a wildcard-round loss to the Texans.
Top Team Players
SOPO MURDERERS BOX SCORE
QB
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Aaron Rodgers, GB QB
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34.9
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Obvious train pulling into the station! Too bad instead of going for some record-setting 650+ yard game Green Bay decided to make James Starks look like an NFL-quality running back.
CHERRY LOZENGES
RB
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Marshawn Lynch, Sea RB
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31.5
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Casually strolled his way into the endzone to justify his top flight ADP. Also ruined what should have been the most epic 5 to 3 win in Sunday Night Football history that the first half lead us to believe was coming.
BOSTIC STICKS
WR
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Julio Jones, Atl WR
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24.2
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Roddy “Scottie Pippen” White last seen needlessly leading safeties into a local Home Depot days after the game. Authorities asked the wayward defensive backs if they were aware of Steven Jackson’s injury and Tony Gonzalez's early bed-time.
JUST HAVIN' FUN OUT THERE
TE
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Jimmy Graham, NO
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23.9
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Obvious train back on track after a mind-bending week one TE performance by literally every team. Next week’s stop: New England.
GIANT PROBLEM
D/ST
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Seahawks D/ST D/ST
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22
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Ref’s wrongfully blew a last minute fumble dead on what was an easy special teams touchdown that should have secured the win for Matt. Patented “Both Giants Receivers” strategy officially 2-0.
TEAM BLANCHARD
K
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Dan Bailey, Dal K
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14
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It’s taking all of my willpower to not bring up the Chiefs an additional time in this post. Down by four in the fourth quarter? Better kick another field goal. Actually, forget that criticism. Is anyone else oddly and inexplicably creeped out by Jason Garrett’s hair?
Internet GIF of the Week
Look at how fucking fantastic that punt was. Didn't even go out of bounds. The result? A penalty because the Chief’s gunner went out of bounds and was first to touch the ball. I've come up with this elaborate set of instructions for future special teams players.
One more week before the onset of endless bye-week hell!
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