Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Fantasy Football End of Regular Season

End of Regular Season

nfl.com

We made it! End of the regular season. On to the playoffs for four, and back to the shame of the consolation ladder for the rest of us.

TEAM	W	L	T	PCT	GB
Bostic Sticks	10	3	0	.769	--
Team Blanchard	9	4	0	.692	1
Cherry Lozenges	9	4	0	.692	1
This One's for Coach (purse)	8	5	0	.615	2

Fun fact, Taylor actually finished with 3rd in points overall, but him missing so that Carly gets in I think is something we can all take satisfaction in!

The next matches are two-week endeavors and they go through week 17, so watch out for your star players getting benched. I’ll probably make a big post at the end with possibly more effort than this one.

Weekly Prizes

Week 12: Most punts by opposing team (DST)

Winner: Bostic Sticks! Texans forced the Raiders to punt 11 times! Eleven! Kluwe’s replacement is getting worn into the ground!

Week 13: Most points by a single player who didn’t start for you previously

Winner: I have no idea. Post candidates to the message board thread to claim your prize if you think you got someone that has a shot.

Next weeks:

Wk 14 – Most Points Starters + Bench Combined

Wk 15 – Most Points By Players You Drafted

Wk 16 – Most Points By Players You Didn't Draft

Internet GIF of the Week

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Fantasy Football Week Eleven

Week 11: Regression to the Mean

Getty Images

Well, that was sure fun while it lasted! Back to the cold, hard, reality where the Broncos are unstoppable, the Jets are terrible and Tom Brady can pout without much media reaction.

What’s the next flash in the pan I can get behind with only a few weeks left? A wildcard-viable Arizona Cardinals? A division-winning Detroit Lions? Cam Newton’s team (who are they again)?

Anyway, I forgot to post this a few weeks ago. We saw it when we were out at happy hour at our local fancy pants steak restaurant.

Hey, Anquan, buddy, maybe if you had been better at beating man coverage this year I might have found a $400 check with my name on it so I could eat a rare-plus rib-eye in your presence. Instead I just dropped you to the wire for Jerrett Boykin. With a third string QB. If you still want to hang out I’ll be at the bar eating half price apps.

Top Players

SOPO MURDERERS

Cam Newton, Car QB

W 24-20

26.6

Wow! So can we expect all the current sophomore slump QBs to bounce back like this next year? I, for one, am excited to root for the hell out of the panthers in the playoffs. Surely they can take care of whatever East or North team will host their wildcard game before they get monster killed in Seattle or New Orleans

JUST HAVIN' FUN OUT THERE

LeSean McCoy, Phi RB P

Wsh

W 24-16

Wait, one of my players not named Jimmy Graham? Surely, this can’t be right.

SOPO MURDERERS

Calvin Johnson, Det WR P

@Pit

L 27-37

29.9

I always feel good seeing megatron and AP up here. That’s where all that pre-draft confidence comes from before it is torn away in week one by Alshon Jeffery or Julius Thomas or something. At least, this week, the world makes sense.

GIANT PROBLEM

Charles Clay, Mia TE

W 20-16

Hey this guy! I feel like his waiver-hype whirlwind came in a few weeks ago to seemingly no effect. But he’s still kicking! If you can properly gauge the Miami offense, that is.

THIS ONE'S FOR COACH (PURSE)

D/ST

Giants D/ST D/ST

W 27-13

Back to back monster weeks for the G-Men! What if they came back to win the division 8-8? What if we got another NE v NYG superbowl? What if Papa Johns Pizza turned out to be pyramid scheme with Peyton’s forehead as the keystone?

CHERRY LOZENGES

Steven Hauschka, Sea K

Min

W 41-20

Number 1 kicker! It seems whoever wins the week is suddenly 1 or at worst 2 or 3. Well with Percey Harvin back maybe all those FGs will turn into XPs. Or maybe those punts will turn into FGs. Or maybe the 12th-man with disrupt the kicking trajectory with a sonic wave like the x-men and all games in seattle will have scores divisible by 6.

Weekly Prizes

Longest Rush (any position) (starter)

Winner: SoPo Murderer’s, Rashad Jennings, 80 yards!

That’s right, Rashad Jennings followed by Ryan Matthews and Chris Ivory. So obvious in retrospect, right?

Next Week: Most punts by opposing team (DST). To be clear this is your DST’s opposing team, not your fantasy opponents DST or anything weird like that.

Internet GIF of the Week

This could have been JPP's pick-six, but where's the fun in that?

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Fantasy Football Week Ten

Week 10: Chiefs Chat

Here we stand at the high point of the season, Chiefs-wise.

Not much to report on week 10, as no Chiefs played any footballs. Instead, let’s look forward to the Sunday Night matchup of the season, Chiefs @ Broncos.

Key Matchups

Dontari Poe, Justin Houston, Tamba Hali versus Elderly Man With Large Forehead

As with any aggressive 3-4 defense, the NT and OLBs take center stage. No longer considered a Chiefsian draft bust, Dontari Poe has 4.5 sacks and 3 passes defended. What changed? Could you believe he gave up barbeque this year to lose weight? Kansas City Barbeque? More for Andy Reid, I suppose.

Justin Houston and Tamba Hali have combined for 20 sacks so far this year. Expect one of them to be the most hated player in football after they have to call an ambulance onto the field after a 3rd and 20.

Robson Household Fun Fact: after a successful Madden 13 campaign, when Tamba Hali records a tackle for loss (virtually or in real life), it is appropriate for one to sing “T. Hali, fabulous he, Ali Ababwa!” Robin Williams’ approval still pending.

Colquitt versus Colquitt

Forget the Ryan brothers, forget the Harbaughs, forget the- wait I’m still not convinced there’s more than one McCown. Have they ever played against each other?? Anyway. Possible Chief’s MVP Dustin Colquitt faces his younger brother and otherwise complete failure Britton (yes, Britton) Colquitt. Dustin has made so far the most impressive gif of this blog a few weeks back with video-game quality corner punts. He also represents the Chiefs best ability to move the ball down the field, when typically followed up by a defensive takeaway.

Eric Berry versus Thunder

Through extensive counseling with Chiefs' resident equine Warpaint and diligent following of twitter phenom @horse_ebooks (if you don’t know what that is, this is why you don’t understand kids today), Eric Berry faces his ultimate test.

Landing at an airport featuring what could only be described equal parts Satanic ritual and practical joke, Berry has nowhere to hide. Every Bronco’s player features the head of the demon animal . There’s a big plushie dumbass looking guy in a horse suit named ‘Miles’. And of course there’s an 11 year old Arabian who senses fear in the opposing secondary.

Brandon Flowers versus Welker, or Thomas, or the other Thomas, or Decker, or oh god he’s screwed

I don’t even know man, this is gonna be brutal. In total, the Chiefs have 12 interceptions this year, but it’s hard to imagine they’re gonna come easy in this game unless there’s a lot of pressure from front 7. Robomanning only makes mistakes when he’s forced to disengage turret-mode and move about like a human man.

Alex Smith versus the World

The man who will get credit for everything if they win. Alex hasn’t played particularly great this year but he leads all QBs in the only stat that matters, W’s. Who would have thought he might get another crack at the championship game, but this time on the other side of the bracket.